The One With The Home Study

(Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.)

（乔伊和罗斯走进来。菲比和迈克坐在沙发上看杂志。）

Ross

Hey you guys!

嘿，大家好！

Phoebe

Hey!

嘿！

Ross

Hey, what are you doing?

嘿，你们在干嘛？

Mike

Oh, figuring out our wedding plans.

哦，在筹备婚礼计划呢。

Chandler

That's funny, we were doing the same thing!

真巧，我们也在合计这事呢！

Ross

Yeah!

可不是嘛！

Phoebe

It's really crazy! The hall, the dress, the food... I-I had no idea how expensive this stuff was!

简直疯了！场地、礼服、食物……我完全没想到这些东西这么贵！

Chandler

Yeah it is really pricey. I mean, I freaked when I first heard the numbers.

确实贵得离谱。我第一次算出花费的时候都吓呆了。

Phoebe

So what did you two do about it?

那你们俩是怎么解决的？

Chandler

It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.

其实很简单，我想了几个省钱的办法，还列了清单，结果莫妮卡让我去死。

Ross

There's no way around it Pheebs, you just gonna have to accept the fact that this is gonna cost you a lot of money.

菲比，这事躲不掉的，你只能接受婚礼要花一大笔钱这个事实。

Mike

I heard that weddings are like a 40 billion dollar a year industry.

我听说婚礼产业每年能赚400亿美元。

Ross

Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that.

可不是嘛，这其中我贡献了差不多一半。

Phoebe

But really, it does seem like this money could be put to better use?

但说真的，这笔钱明明可以用在更有意义的地方吧？

Mike

Are you serious?

你认真的吗？

Phoebe

Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall?

当然！要是我们把办婚礼的钱全捐给慈善机构，只去市政厅登记结婚，你觉得怎么样？

Mike

I think it would make me wanna marry you even more. (he kisses her)

我觉得这样会让我更想娶你了。（他吻了菲比）

Ross

I've got to say you guys, that's an incredible gesture!

说真的，你们俩这举动太了不起了！

Chandler

(to Ross) Maybe you do that next time you get married!

（对罗斯说）你下次结婚也可以这么干啊！

Ross

No, no, no. The next time it's gonna be a Hawaii at sunset. [pause] But maybe the time after that!

别别别，下次我要在夏威夷的夕阳下结婚。（停顿）不过下下次可以这么办！

Opening Credits

片头字幕

(Monica is cleaning the table, Chandler is sitting on the sofa. Joey enters.)

（莫妮卡在擦桌子，钱德勒坐在沙发上。乔伊走进来。）

Joey

Hey!

嘿！

Chandler

Hey!

嘿！

Joey

What's going on?

忙啥呢？

Chandler

Our adoption social worker is coming by today so we are cleaning the apartment.

领养中心的社工今天要来家访，所以我们在打扫公寓。

Monica

(sarcastically) We?

（讽刺地）我们？

Chandler

You know you don't want me to help. You can't have it both ways!

你明明不想我帮忙，总不能好处都占了吧！

Joey

Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby?

嘿，这个人就是决定你们能不能……领养到宝宝的人吗？

Chandler

Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live.

差不多吧。她过来和我们面谈，还要看看我们的居住环境。

Monica

And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.

必须表现得完美无缺，要是她对我们有一点不满意，全州所有的领养名单都不会有我们的份了。

Joey

Hey, maybe I should stop by! She could be a soap opera fan! It's very impressive when the little people know a celebrity.

嘿，要不我也过来一趟！她说不定爱看肥皂剧呢！小人物认识个名人，多有面子啊。

Chandler

(pointing at himself) Little people?

（指着自己）小人物？

Joey

(pointing at himself) Celebrity.

（指着自己）名人。

Monica

Ok, so I think I'm just about done here, unless you have any bad stuff hidden somewhere, like... porn or cigarettes?

好了，我这边差不多收拾完了，除非你藏了什么见不得人的东西，比如……色情杂志或者香烟？

Chandler

What...? NO!

什么……？才没有！

Monica

Chandler?

钱德勒？

Chandler

(he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!

（站起身，一脸被冒犯的样子）我才没有，你这么说太过分了！

Monica

Ok, so there's not a magazine under the couch, or a pack of cigarettes taped to the back of the toilet tank, or a filthy video in the VCR?

行，那沙发底下没有杂志，马桶水箱后面没粘一包香烟，录像机里也没有不雅录像带？

Chandler

I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.

香烟和杂志我认了，但那录像带不是我的。

Monica

It isn't mine!

也不是我的！

Joey

(going out with the VCR in his hand) Well, I guess we'll never know whose it is!

（手里拿着录像机往外走）行吧，反正我们永远也查不出是谁的了！

Charity guy

May I help you?

需要帮忙吗？

Phoebe

Yes. We're here to make a rather sizeable donation to the children.

是的，我们来给孩子们捐一笔不小的款项。

Charity guy

Well, any contribution, large or small, is always appreciated.

不管捐款多少，我们都非常感谢。

Phoebe

Well, I think you're gonna appreciate it the crap out of this one (she gives him a check)

那这笔捐款你肯定会感激不尽的。（她递给他一张支票）

Charity guy

Well, this is very generous!

哇，你们太慷慨了！

Phoebe

And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous.

而且我们不想留名，完全匿名捐赠。

Mike

Completely anonymous. From two kind strangers.

完全匿名，来自两位好心的陌生人。

Phoebe

Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.

X先生和菲比·布费。

Charity guy

Well if you like, we can include your names in our newsletter.

如果你们愿意，我们可以把名字登在通讯简报上。

Mike

Not necessary.

不用了。

Phoebe

Buffay is spelled B-U-F-F-A-Y.

布费的拼写是B-U-F-F-A-Y。

Mike

And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan".

而X先生的拼写是……迈克·哈纳根。

Charity guy

Right. Well, on behalf of the children: thank you both very much.

好的。我代表孩子们，非常感谢你们两位。

Phoebe

Sure, I so glad we did this. It feels so good!

不客气，真高兴我们做了这件事，感觉太棒了！

Mike

It does. It feels really good!

是啊，感觉特别好！

Phoebe

Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! (she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter)

哦，快看！还能免费拿T恤呢！（她拿起柜台上的一件T恤）

Charity guy

Oh, actually, that's the shirt I wore to the gym.

哦，其实那是我健身穿的T恤。

Phoebe

Mhm... it's moist.

嗯……还潮乎乎的。

Ross

(he enters) Hi!

（走进来）嗨！

Rachel

Hi! Emma will be up in a minute!

嗨！艾玛马上就醒了！

Ross

Oh, good!

太好了！

Rachel

Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry.

哦，罗斯，听说你和查理的事了，真替你难过。

Ross

Oh, that's OK. I'm sure there are tons of other beautiful paleontologists out there.

没事的，我相信还有很多漂亮的古生物学家。

Rachel

Absolutely.

那当然。

Ross

There was one! She's it! All the rest look like they should live under a bridge!

就她一个！其他人都长得像桥洞里出来的！

Rachel

So, uhm... what are you gonna do today?

那你今天打算干嘛？

Ross

Well, I was thinking of taking Emma to the playground!

我想带艾玛去游乐场玩。

Rachel

Oh my God, what!?

天啊，你说什么？！

Ross

Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!

开玩笑的，我是说带她去刀与火博物馆。

Rachel

Ok, look, Ross. I do not want Emma going to the playground.

罗斯，我不准艾玛去游乐场。

Ross

Be-caaauuuse...

为——什——么——呀……

Rachel

(upset) All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little.

（难过地）好吧，你非要知道的话……我小时候荡秋千出过一次阴影事件。

Ross

Seriously?

真的假的？

Rachel

Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks!

真的，我四岁那年荡秋千，头发突然缠到铁链里了。我妈妈为了救我，不得不剪掉我一大撮头发！（哭了）之后好几个星期头发都是歪歪扭扭的！

Ross

(sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!

（讽刺地）你居然挺过来了？真好奇电影里谁来演你啊！

Rachel

Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes.

行，随便你取笑我。反正我就是不让艾玛去。我觉得克莱尔·丹尼斯演我挺合适。

Ross

Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see!

好吧，你的遭遇我很同情。但秋千很安全的，而且艾玛很喜欢玩。要不你跟我们一起去看看？

Rachel

Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!

罗斯，秋千时速有40英里呢！荡到最高处的时候，你都不知道自己还能不能落回地面！

Ross

Space is filled with orbiting children. (pause) Look, please, just come on, you know, when you see the look on Emma's face, I swear you won't regret it.

太空里全是荡来荡去的小孩。（停顿）别纠结了，跟我们去吧，你看到艾玛开心的样子，肯定不会后悔的。

Rachel

All right!

好吧！

Ross

Good, you don't want to be one of those mothers who pass on their irrational fears on their children, do you?

太好了，你总不想成为那种把自己的无理恐惧传给孩子的妈妈吧？

Rachel

Irrational, huh? All right, well, I'll remember that the next time you freak out about a spider in your apartment!

无理？行，下次你被公寓里的蜘蛛吓得跳脚时，我会记住这句话的！

Ross

Oh, yeah, that's the same, I am sure there are thirty different species of poisonous swings!

这能一样吗？秋千难道有三十种有毒品种不成！

Monica

Oh my God, the adoption lady is early!

天啊，领养社工居然提前来了！

Chandler

Ok, ok, here we go.

淡定淡定，准备上场。

Monica

Ok.

好。

Chandler

Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly)

来了来了，站直了。（笑着）笑得灿烂点。（开门，两人夸张地笑着）

Phoebe

Hello, is this the creepy residence?

你们好，这户是怪人家吗？

Monica

We're waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I'm glad you're here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don't know if you wanna use it, but…

我们在等领养社工呢，不过你来得正好。我早上打扫的时候发现了这个。（把一个盒子放到桌上打开）不知道你用不用得上……

Phoebe

Awe, this is so sweet of you! But you know what? I won't be needing a veil, I actually won't be wearing a dress at all!

哇，你真好！不过我用不上头纱了，我甚至都不打算穿礼服。

Monica

I told you! I am not coming to a naked wedding!

我就说吧！我可不会去参加裸体婚礼！

Phoebe

No, no, no, we're not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity.

不是啦，我们不办大型婚宴了，把办婚礼的钱都捐给儿童慈善机构了。

Monica

That's crazy! (Phoebe looks bewildered). I am sorry. I just can't imagine giving up my one wedding day like that!

太疯狂了！（菲比一脸困惑）抱歉，我实在没法想象就这么放弃自己唯一的婚礼。

Phoebe

We, you know, we're different! We don't care about having a huge party. (She picks up the veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well, radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don't need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.

我们不一样，不在乎办盛大的派对。（拿起头纱）这头纱真好看，我能戴上试试吗？（戴上头纱）哇，我看着……（对着烤面包机的反光看自己）简直光彩照人。（停顿）不过无所谓啦，我不需要漂亮的头纱和华丽的礼服。

Monica

That's right. You're making a commitment and that's the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?

没错，重要的是许下承诺，不管是在广场酒店还是……你们打算在哪儿结婚？

Phoebe

City Hall.

市政厅。

Monica

Ow! (Chandler slaps her on her back) Oh, that sounds nice! I am just there for jury duty. They really spruce that place up!

哦！（钱德勒拍了她一下）听起来不错啊！我去那儿当过陪审员，那地方收拾得挺整洁的！

Phoebe

It's ok, it's ok. I made my decision. What I really want is a great big wedding (she covers her mouth)

没事没事，我已经决定了。不过我真正想要的，其实是一场盛大的婚礼。（捂住嘴）

Monica

Yay!

太好了！

Chandler

But you already gave all your money to charity!

可你已经把钱都捐给慈善机构了啊！

Phoebe

Well, I'll just ask for it back!

那我去要回来就行了！

Chandler

I don't think you can do that!

哪有捐出去再要回来的！

Monica

Why not! This is her wedding day, this is way more important than some stupid kids!

怎么不行！她的婚礼多重要啊，比那些傻孩子重要多了！

Chandler

That's sweet, honey, but save something for the adoption Lady.

说得真贴心，亲爱的，不过这话留着等领养社工来了再说吧。

Rachel

Ok, careful.

好，小心点。

Ross

Ok.

好。

Rachel

Careful, watch her hair. WATCH HER HAIR!

小心，别碰到她头发。看好她的头发！

Ross

Rach, she's got like three hairs!

瑞秋，她就三根头发！

Rachel

I know (she touches Emma's head) but they're just so beautiful! Oh, my God, I just pulled one out.

我知道。（摸艾玛的头）可每一根都好漂亮！天啊，我刚扯掉一根。

Ross

I promise you she's safe! No watch how much she loves this.

我保证她很安全！你看她多喜欢玩。

Rachel

Ok.

好。

Ross (to Emma): Ready sweety?

准备好了吗，宝贝？

Rachel

Ok.

好。

Ross

Here we go! (He starts pushing Emma)

开始咯！（开始推艾玛）

Rachel

Ok, careful, ok. (Emma giggles) Oh, she's smiling! Oh my God, she does like it!

小心点。（艾玛咯咯笑）哇，她笑了！天啊，她真的喜欢玩！

Ross

See, I told you!

看吧，我就说嘛！

Rachel

Awe! (Emma laughs) Oh my God! Looks, she's a little dare-devil! Oh, let me push, can I push?

好可爱！（艾玛大笑）天啊，你看她，小胆子还挺大！让我推会儿好不好？

Ross

Oh, absolutely!

当然可以！

Rachel

Ok. Oh God. (To Ross) Get the camera, it's in the diaper bag.

好，天啊。（对罗斯说）拿相机，在尿布包里。

Ross

Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!

好！（拿起相机后退着拍照）怕秋千，现在是不是觉得自己很傻？（一个荡秋千的小男孩把他撞倒）哎哟！

Mike

We're seriously asking for our money back?

我们真的要把捐出去的钱要回来吗？

Phoebe

It's for our wedding day! Right, now, is this guy gay or straight, because one of us gonna have to start flirting.

为了我们的婚礼啊！对了，这工作人员是同性恋还是异性恋？我们俩得有一个去撩他。

Charity guy

Wow! Are you here to make another donation the same day? I don't think that that's ever happened before.

哇！你们当天又来捐款？我从来没遇到过这种事。

Phoebe (to Mike): Gay, go.

同性恋，你上。

Mike (to the charity guy): Oh my God, I love your shirt!

天啊，你这件衬衫真好看！

Phoebe

The donation we made earlier, we k…, we w…, we want it back.

我们之前捐的钱，我……我们……想要回来。

Charity guy

Excuse me?

你说什么？

Phoebe

Yeah. See, that money was for a big wedding, that we thought we didn't want, but it turns out we do.

是这样的，那笔钱本来是办婚礼的，我们一开始觉得不用办，现在又想办了。

Charity guy

So you're asking us to refund your donation to the children?

所以你们是想让我们把捐给孩子们的钱退给你们？

Mike

Yeah! This feels really good.

对！说出来真痛快。

Phoebe

I am sorry. I am, but this wedding is just really important to me.

对不起，真的对不起，但这场婚礼对我来说太重要了。

Charity guy

Hey, it's not my business, (he takes their check from a drawer) besides it's probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing…

行吧，这事我不管。（从抽屉里拿出他们的支票）而且说不定是好事呢，那些食物、保暖衣服，把孩子都惯坏了。

Phoebe

Hey, that's not fair! A person's wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn't have a graduation party! And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to "kill me" or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out)

你这么说太过分了！婚礼对每个人都很重要，尤其是我！我从来没办过毕业派对，也没参加过毕业舞会。我16岁生日那天，还被一个逃出来的精神病人在轮胎场追着跑，他还说要“杀了我”之类的话。所以我理应办一场像样的庆祝会，我才不会让你这个满身汗的家伙让我感到愧疚！（气冲冲地走了）

Mike

She could have been talking about either one of us.

她说的不知道是我还是他。

Laura

Hi, I am Laura, I am here for your adoption interview.

你们好，我是劳拉，来给你们做领养面谈的。

Monica

Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in.

你好，我是莫妮卡，他是钱德勒，请进。

Laura

Thank you!

谢谢！

Monica

Would you like something to drink?

喝点什么吗？

Laura

Oh, water would be fine.

白开水就好。

Monica

Ok. Great. I am so glad that you are here. We're really excited about getting this process started.

好的，太好了。你能来我们太开心了，我们特别期待领养流程开始。

Chandler

Oh, because we love kids. Love 'em to death.Well, not actually to death, that's just a figure of speech - we love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.

是啊，我们超爱小孩，爱到不行。当然不是真的要怎么样，就是打个比方，我们爱小孩的程度……完全合法合规。

Laura

Your place is just lovely.

你们家真温馨。

Monica

Ah, thank you. This building does have a wholesome family feel to it.

谢谢，这栋楼住的都是本分人家，很有家庭氛围。

Laura

You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting?

说起来，我好像来过这里。这栋楼还有其他夫妻在申请领养吗？

Monica

Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks shocked)

你说一楼那对？我们肯定要比他们先领养到宝宝。对了，那男的还想卖给我毒品呢。（劳拉一脸震惊）

Chandler

But other than that... wholesome, wholesome building.

除了这个小插曲，这楼特别本分，特别靠谱。

Laura

Oh...

哦……

Chandler

What?

怎么了？

Laura

I just realized why I remember this place.

我终于想起来为什么我对这里有印象了。

Monica

Really? What is it?

真的？为什么呀？

Laura

Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well.

没什么，我之前和这栋楼的一个男人约会过，结局不太好。

Monica

Ohh... that wouldn't by any chance be... Joey Tribbiani?

哦……该不会是……乔伊·崔比安尼吧？

Laura

Yes!

就是他！

Chandler

Of course it was!

果然是他！

Laura

Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't.

我们那晚相处得特别好，第二天早上他说会给我打电话，结果再也没联系过。

Chandler

RAT BASTARD!

这混球！

Laura

So you're not friends with him?

你们不是他朋友吧？

Monica and Chandler

OH GOD NO! Nope, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! (finally Monica concludes) No!

天呐，当然不是！不是不是不是！绝对不是！（最后莫妮卡总结）不是！

Laura

Well, I'm sorry I brought it up. So, are either one of you planning on staying at home with your child... (someone knocks on the door)

抱歉提起这事。那你们俩有没有人打算辞职在家带孩子……（有人敲门）

Joey

(form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in his face) OW!

（在门外）有人吗？有没有人点了名人服务？（准备进门，钱德勒冲过去把门关上，撞到乔伊的脸）哎哟！

Laura

What was that?

谁啊？

Chandler

Oh, it's just some crazy guy who roams the halls here. He's great with kids though.

就是走廊里的一个疯子，不过他对小孩挺好的。

Rachel

Oh, oh Ross, oh my God, are you okay?

天啊，罗斯，你没事吧？

Ross

SON OF A BITCH! (turns to his right to see three kids staring at him) (To the kids) Oh relax! I didn't say the 'F' word! (They go away)

该死的！（转头看到三个小孩盯着他）（对小孩说）别紧张！我没说脏话！（小孩们走开了）

Rachel

Ross, see! I told you, those swings are evil! Alright, that is it. That is the last time Emma is getting on one of those things for her entire life.

罗斯，你看！我就说秋千很危险吧！行了，这辈子都不许艾玛再碰秋千了。

Ross

No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that (point to the kid that kicked him) kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice.

别别别！真不是秋千的错，是我自己不小心，还有那个（指着撞倒他的小男孩）小孩的错，他居然还在笑，真过分。

Rachel

Ross, c'mon, please. Can we just get out of here, before somebody else gets hurt?

罗斯，走吧，求求你了。趁还没人再受伤，我们赶紧离开这儿吧。

Ross

No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.

等等，我有个主意。你去荡秋千，好不好？试过你就知道没什么好怕的了。

Rachel

(looks at him suspiciously) I know what this is all about... You've always been jealous of my hair.

（怀疑地看着他）我知道你想干嘛……你就是一直嫉妒我的头发。

Ross

Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears.

我就是觉得你都是成年人了，该克服这点小恐惧了。

Rachel

Alright fine. I'll do it.

行，我试试。

Ross

Good.

太好了。

Rachel

If you hold a spider.

前提是你抓一只蜘蛛。

Ross

(He freaks out and starts jumping around brushing his sweater) WHAT? WHERE? WHERE?

（吓得跳起来，拍自己的毛衣）什么？在哪？蜘蛛在哪？

Rachel

IF you hold a spider.

我说“如果”你敢抓蜘蛛。

Ross

I know. (Rachel bends down to Emma and Ross looks over his shoulder again, afraid)

我知道。（瑞秋弯腰看艾玛，罗斯还紧张地四处张望）

Joey

Guys? Everything ok? It's me, Joe...

朋友们，没事吧？是我啊，乔伊……

Chandler

(Screams to interrupt Joey) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......AAAaaa-doption!!

（大喊打断乔伊）领——养——！！

Laura

What's going on?

怎么了？

Chandler

Oh, just like I said. That crazy... Bert... roaming the halls. (Joey bangs on the door again)

就像我说的，走廊里那个疯子……伯特……又在晃悠了。（乔伊又敲门）

Joey

Guys!?

朋友们！？

Monica

Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today!

接着晃悠去吧伯特！我们今天不想见疯子！

Joey

What's going on?

到底怎么了？

Chandler

WE'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, BERT. EVERYTHNG'S FINE!!

回头再跟你说，伯特！一切都好得很！

(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves the door and goes to his apartment)

（镜头切到门外的乔伊，他终于离开门口回自己公寓了）

Joey

Everything doesn't sound fine!

听着一点都不好！

Laura

Is he alright out there by himself?

他一个人在外面没事吧？

Chandler

Oh yeah! He has a caretaker. His older brother... Ernie.

没事！有人照顾他，他哥哥叫……厄尼。

Laura

Bert and Ernie!

伯特和厄尼！

Chandler

(nervous smile) You can't make this stuff up!

（紧张地笑）这事编都编不出来！

Mike

You never told me about that guy on your sweet sixteen. Oh, ugh. I'm sorry about that.

你从没跟我说过你16岁生日的事，唉，真可怜。

Phoebe

(Lightly) Oh! It ended okay. One of my friends shot him.

（轻描淡写地）没事啦，结局挺好的，我一个朋友开枪把他打死了。

Mike

Well, hey, at least you're getting a proper wedding. I mean, you really deserve that.

不过你至少能办一场像样的婚礼了，你真的值得。

Phoebe

Yeah, I really do. You know, I had nothing growing up. (thinks for a few seconds) Just like the kids I took the money from.

可不是嘛，我从小到大什么都没有。（思考几秒）就像我要回钱的那些孩子一样。

Mike

No! No, no. I see where this is going. Don't make me go back there.

别别别，我知道你想说什么，别让我们再回去折腾了。

Phoebe

Look, I can't have a wedding with this money now. It's tainted.

不行，我不能用这笔钱办婚礼了，不干净。

Mike

Alright, fine. We'll give the money back.

行吧，我们把钱还回去。

Phoebe

And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.

要是慈善机构那家伙为难我们，我朋友好久没开枪打人了，正好练练手。

Laura

Well, I must say, this seems like a lovely environment to raise a child in.

说实话，这里的环境特别适合养孩子。

Monica

Oh, by the way, you are more than welcome to look under any of the furniture, because, believe me, you won't find any porn or cigarettes under there!

对了，你尽管检查家具底下，我保证，下面绝对没有色情杂志和香烟！

Laura

Oh! Well, actually, before we look around, let me make sure I have everything I need up to here...

好的！其实参观之前，我先确认下资料有没有带齐……

(She starts checking her form. Chandler sees movement near the window from the corner of his eye and when he looks he spots Joey climbing up the fire escape and onto their balcony. He warns Monica silently.)

（她开始核对表格。钱德勒余光瞥见窗边有动静，转头看到乔伊从消防梯爬到了他们家阳台，他悄悄提醒莫妮卡）

Monica

(Pulls Laura into the spare room) Why don't I show you the baby's room?

（拉着劳拉走进备用房间）我带你看看婴儿房吧？

(Joey enters through the side window and jogs towards the kitchen holding a baseball bat)

（乔伊从侧窗爬进来，拿着一根棒球棍朝厨房跑去）

Chandler

What the hell are you doing?

你到底在干嘛？

Joey

Well, you wouldn't let me in, so I thought you were in trouble.

你不让我进门，我还以为你们出事了呢。

Chandler

Well, we're not.

我们没事。

Joey

But you called me 'Bert'!? That's our code word for danger!

可你叫我“伯特”了啊！那是我们约定的危险暗号！

Chandler

We don't have a code word.

我们根本没约定过什么暗号。

Joey

We don't? We really should. From now on, 'Bert' will be our code word for danger.

没有吗？那我们现在约定一个，以后“伯特”就是危险暗号。

(Monica talks loudly in the baby's room)

（莫妮卡在婴儿房大声说话）

Monica

So that was the baby's room. (They come out and Chandler throws Joey behind the couch and puts his foot on him. Monica looks at Chandler)

这就是婴儿房啦。（两人走出婴儿房，钱德勒把乔伊推到沙发后，用脚踩着他。莫妮卡看着钱德勒）

Monica

(To Chandler) What room should we see next?

（对钱德勒说）接下来看哪个房间？

Chandler

Any room that isn't behind this couch! (laughs nervously)

除了沙发后面，哪个房间都行！（紧张地笑）

Monica

(laughs nervously as well, Laura looks confused) (To Laura) Some people don't get him, but I think he's really funny! (She takes Laura to their own bedroom).

（也紧张地笑，劳拉一脸疑惑）有些人不懂他的幽默，我觉得他特别搞笑！（带劳拉走进主卧）

(Joey gets up and look annoyed)

（乔伊爬起来，一脸不爽）

Joey

(quivering with anger) I did not care for that!

（气得发抖）我很不满意！

Chandler

(escorting Joey to the door) You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you.

（把乔伊往门口赶）你赶紧走，你跟我们的社工约会过还没回电话，她现在还气着呢，不能让她看见你。

Joey

Ok, ok! (He leaves)

好好好！（准备离开）

Chandler

Ok!

快走！

(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him. Chandler walks towards the living room, but then Joey enters again.)

（乔伊关门离开，钱德勒走回客厅，结果乔伊又进来了）

Chandler

What?

又干嘛？

Joey

I forgot my bat.

我的棒球棍忘拿了。

(He picks up his bat and holds it up, but then Monica and Laura enter the living room again. When Laura sees Joey, she freezes...)

（拿起棒球棍举起来，这时莫妮卡和劳拉回到客厅，劳拉看到乔伊，瞬间僵住）

Laura

Oh my God!

天啊！

Chandler

And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)

我再说最后一次，我们不想跟你做朋友，也不买你的棒球棍！（乔伊放下棒球棍）

Laura

What are you doing here?

你怎么会在这里？

Joey

(to Chandler) Bert! Bert! Bert! Bert!

（对钱德勒喊）伯特！伯特！伯特！伯特！

Laura

Are you friends with him?

你们是他朋友？

Chandler

I can explain... Joey...

我可以解释……乔伊……

Joey

Uhm... ok... uhm... Well, yeah... You have got some nerve, coming back here. I can't believe you never called me.

嗯……好吧……没错，我们是朋友。你居然还有脸回来，我真不敢相信你居然没给我打电话。

Laura

Excuse me?

你说什么？

Joey

Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me.

对啊，你估计都忘了我叫什么了吧？我叫乔伊。你也不用告诉我你的名字，我记得清清楚楚……女士。我等你电话等了好几个星期。

Laura

I gave you my number, you never called me.

我把号码给你了，是你从来没打给我。

Joey

No, no! Don't try to turn this around on me, ok? I'm not some kind of... social work, ok, that you can just... do.

别想倒打一耙！我可不是什么……社工，能让你随便玩弄。

Laura

(embarrassed towards Chandler and Monica) Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.

（尴尬地看着钱德勒和莫妮卡）我确定我把号码给他了。

Joey

Really? Think about it. Come on! You're a beautiful woman, smart, funny, we had a really good time, huh? If I had your number, why wouldn't I call you?

是吗？你好好想想，你这么漂亮、聪明又有趣，我们那晚相处得那么好，我要是有你号码，怎么可能不打给你？

Laura

I don't know... Well, maybe I'm wrong... I'm sorry...

我不知道……可能是我记错了吧……对不起……

Joey

No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies... ok? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you? (and he leaves the apartment, leaving her shocked)

道歉晚了！你伤透了我的心，你知道我为了忘掉你，跟多少女人约会吗？（说完离开公寓，留下震惊的劳拉）

Laura

Joey, wait!

乔伊，等等！

Joey

(acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind him)

（假装难过）不等了！我等太久了，再也不等了……（关门离开）

Laura

(laughing nervously) I'm sorry that you had to see that. I'm so embarrassed...

（紧张地笑）真不好意思，让你们看笑话了，太尴尬了……

Chandler

Oh, that's really ok.

没事没事。

Monica

Yeah, that we totally understand. Dating is hard.

是啊，我们特别理解，谈恋爱不容易。

Laura

Boy, you people are nice... And I've got to say... I think you're going to make excellent parents.

你们人真好……说实话，我觉得你们一定会是特别棒的父母。

(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)

（钱德勒和莫妮卡相拥，乔伊又一次走进公寓）

Joey

LAURA! (and points to her, very confident)

劳拉！（自信地指着她）

Phoebe

(to the Charity guy) We're back!

（对慈善机构工作人员说）我们回来了！

Charity guy

Are you here to take more money? Because, I think what you're looking for is an ATM.

又来要钱了？你们应该去自动取款机。

Mike

No, no, we're here to give the money back.

不是，我们来把钱还回来。

Phoebe

Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children.

对，毕竟……一切都是为了孩子。

(the Charity guy smiles wanting to take the check, but Phoebe pulls it back again. His smile fades.)

（慈善机构工作人员笑着准备接支票，菲比又收了回去，他的笑容消失）

Phoebe

Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. (she gives the check and pulls it back again) No... Oh God... Oh!

不过……也关乎我的婚礼……唉，算了，给你。（递支票又收回）不行……天啊……

Charity guy

If I haven't said so already sir, (sarcastically pointing to Phoebe) congratulations!

（讽刺地指着菲比对迈克说）先生，还没恭喜你们新婚快乐呢！

Mike

(takes the check from Phoebe) Ok, look! Enough! Alright? I'm stepping in. I'm putting my foot down! As your future husband I'm going to make this decision for us. (thinking) Now... what do you think we should do?

（从菲比手里拿过支票）够了！别纠结了！我来做主，作为你未来的丈夫，这事我说了算。（思考）那……你觉得我们该怎么办？

Charity guy

You know what? It's not your decision anymore.

现在这事，已经不由你们决定了。

Mike

What?

什么意思？

Charity guy

On behalf of the Children of New York, I reject your money.

我代表纽约的孩子们，拒收你们的捐款。

Phoebe

But... but... but we're giving you this!

可……可我们是要把钱捐给你们啊！

Charity guy

Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives the check to Phoebe)

我知道，所以我把钱还给你们。就当是我们送你们的新婚礼金。（把支票递给菲比）

Phoebe

(looks at the amount on the check, and gasps) Well, this is very generous!

（看了眼支票金额，惊呼）你们也太大方了吧！

Charity guy

Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.

拿着支票吧，祝你们婚礼圆满，幸福一辈子。

Mike

Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.

我觉得挺好的，我们先拿着，以后攒够钱再来捐更多。

Charity guy

Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian.

没问题，到时候找布莱恩就行。

Phoebe

Oh, is that you?

布莱恩是你吗？

Charity guy

No!

不是！

Monica

Hello...? Oh hi... Oh my God...! Really...? I can't wait to tell Chandler... Ok, goodbye. (hangs up)

喂……？哦，你好……天啊……真的吗？我等不及要告诉钱德勒了……好，再见。（挂电话）

Chandler

Wrong number?

打错了？

Monica

It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.

是劳拉，她给了我们很高的评价，我们正式进入领养候补名单了！

Chandler

That's great!

太棒了！

Monica

Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh...

现在就等电话通知，告诉我们有宝宝可以领养了。真好……

(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)

（钱德勒和莫妮卡相拥，过了一会儿电话又响了，莫妮卡眼睛睁大，钱德勒接起电话）

Chandler

Hello...? Have you seen Joey's bat?

喂……？你看到乔伊的棒球棍了吗？

Rachel

Ok... I got a spider. There were two, I picked the bigger one.

好了，我抓到蜘蛛了，有两只，我挑了只大的。

Ross

(nervously) Ok...

（紧张地）好……

Rachel

Ok... (and passes the spider to Ross who holds it in between his hands)

给你。（把蜘蛛递给罗斯，罗斯双手捧着）

Ross

(Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!

（紧张得声音变尖）没什么感觉啊，你去荡秋千吧！

Rachel

(reluctantly) Ok... O-k...

（不情愿地）好吧……

(She slowly grabs the chains of the swing, swings her hair back, and sits down.)

（慢慢抓住秋千铁链，撩起头发坐下）

Rachel

(more confident) Ok...

（自信了一点）好了。

(She slowly walks forward and backward, to gain speed...)

（慢慢前后晃，让秋千荡起来）

Rachel

whoo... ok... wow... ok... OH!

哇……还不错……天啊……啊！

Ross

See?

看吧？

Rachel

A-alright! I can do this.

我可以的，我不怕了。

Ross

There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore.

太棒了！真厉害！说真的，我都习惯这小蜘蛛了，一点感觉都没有。

Rachel

That's because he's on your neck.

因为它爬到你脖子上了。

Ross

Well... (realizes, screaming like a little girl, trying to get rid of the spider) Whaa... aaah... aaahhh...

什么……（反应过来，像小女孩一样尖叫着拍脖子）啊——！

(Ross is now preoccupied with the spider, and forgets that Rachel is still using the swing. While trying to get rid of the spider, he stands in front of Rachel, who bumps into him, throwing him on the ground again.)

（罗斯只顾着赶蜘蛛，忘了瑞秋还在荡秋千，他站到秋千前，瑞秋荡过来撞到他，他又一次摔倒在地）

Rachel

ROSS!

罗斯！

(Rachel tries to stop mid-swing, and the swing starts to turn from side to side)

（瑞秋想停下秋千，结果秋千开始左右乱转）

end

剧终