The One With Ross's Inappropriate Song

Ross

And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. (baby talk.) Yes we were! Yes we were! (picks Emma up.) Come here gorgeous. (puts her on his knees and talks to her.) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... (in a softer voice.) You've got big beautiful eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's.) Big baby butt! I like big butts. (raps.) I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your face you get...(Emma laughs.) Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you? You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna hear some more? Uhm...(raps.) My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross looks worried.) I'm a terrible father!

所以说啊，不管妈妈怎么说，我们当时确实分手了。（用哄宝宝的语气）真的分了！真的！（抱起艾玛）过来，小美人。（把她放到腿上，跟她说话）哦！看看你！你是全世界最可爱的小宝宝！你就是个……小小的宝宝，你知道吗？但是你有……（柔声说）你有一双漂亮的大眼睛……对，你有的……还有……圆滚滚的小肚子。（加重B音）大大的小屁屁！我喜欢大屁屁。（开始说唱）我喜欢大屁屁，我绝不撒谎 / 其他的哥们儿，你们也别否认 / 当姑娘走来，腰肢纤细 / 圆润翘臀映入眼帘，你就会……（艾玛笑了）天啊，艾玛……你笑了！天啊，你以前从没笑过，对吧？从没笑过……是爸爸逗你笑的，对吧？嗯，爸爸和混音师先生……怎么？怎么？你……还想听吗？嗯……（说唱）我的蟒蛇啥都不要 / 除非你有翘臀，亲爱的……（艾玛又笑了，罗斯面露担忧）我真是个糟糕的爸爸！

OPENING CREDITS

片头字幕

Chandler

Hi!

嗨！

Joey

Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?

嘿……听着……你们懂投资吗？

Chandler

How come?

怎么突然问这个？

Joey

Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it.

我演的剧开始赚不少钱了，我在想……或许该拿这些钱做点投资。

Monica

What do you do with your money now?

你现在的钱都怎么处理？

Joey

Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. (realises that anyone could have overheard that.) I didn't say that! It's in a bank guarded by robots!

就……粘在马桶水箱后面啊。（意识到可能被人听到）我没说这话！都存在银行里，还有机器人看守呢！

Chandler

Do you have any ideas?

你有什么想法吗？

Joey

Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitching in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus...

嗯，有个同事说动我了，一起投资个鸸鹋农场。是不是挺酷的？周末去搭把手，帮忙养养鸸鹋……

Monica

Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.

乔伊……鸸鹋是鸟，养来是吃肉的。

Joey

(laughs.) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica.) People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird. " (laughs again.) Or... or maybe just a wing or... (realises....)

“麻烦，给我来一桶炸鸟。”（又笑）或者……就来个翅膀也行……（突然反应过来）

Monica

Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best investment. The Fed just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler.) That's right, I know some stuff!

乔伊，我觉得你该考虑点风险小的。现在这个行情，房产投资最靠谱。美联储刚降息，房贷利息还能全额抵扣呢。（看向钱德勒）没错吧，我还是懂点的！

Joey

Real estate, huh? Hmmm...

房产啊？嗯……

Monica

(very excited.) Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard!

（兴奋地）对了，你知道谁在卖一套超好的公寓吗？里查德！

Chandler

(imitating Monica.) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

（模仿莫妮卡）哦，你知道谁对前男友的事了如指掌，离谱得很吗？莫妮卡！

Monica

My dad told me. They play golf together.

我爸说的，他俩一起打高尔夫。

Chandler

Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the moustache off his face.

行吧……说不定哪天我也去凑个热闹。只希望球杆别脱手，把他脸上的胡子打飞了。

Phoebe

Hi!

嗨！

Rachel and Monica

Hey!

嘿！

Phoebe

Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! (Rachel gasps.)

听着！你们得帮我挑条裙子，我今晚要见麦克的父母！（瑞秋惊呼）

Monica

Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step.

哇，见男友父母！这可是大事。

Phoebe

(sarcastically.) Really? That hadn't occurred to me.

（讽刺地）是吗？我还真没意识到。

Monica

They just gonna love you, just be yourself.

他们肯定会喜欢你的，做你自己就好。

Phoebe

They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!

他们住在上东区的公园大道！

Rachel

Oh yeah, she can't be herself.

那可不，她可不能做自己了。

Phoebe

Okay, so... all right... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe' dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking their time, don't wanting to hurt Phoebe.) You can say "neither".

好吧……那……哪条？（举起两条很“菲比风”的裙子，瑞秋和莫妮卡看着，犹豫不决，不想伤到菲比）你们可以说“都不行”。

Rachel and Monica

Oh God, neither!

天啊，都不行！

Monica

I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine.

抱歉啦宝贝，我们带你去买新的，没事的。

Rachel

Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh Mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..."

“哦平泽先生，难怪华莱士这么帅，原来是随您啊……”

Monica

You went out with Wallis Pincer?

你跟华莱士·平泽约会过？

Rachel

Uh, he took the SAT's for me.

嗯，他帮我代考过SAT。

Monica

I knew you didn't get a 1400!

我就知道你考不到1400分！

Rachel

Sssh yeah, well, duh! I mean...

嘘，那可不嘛！我是说……

Phoebe

So... now... What about with Mike's mom?

那……那麦克的妈妈呢？

Rachel

Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had.

对付妈妈呢，就不停夸她儿子多优秀。相信我，妈妈们都喜欢我。罗斯妈妈还说过，我就像她梦寐以求的女儿呢。

Monica

(Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief.) She said WHAT?

（难以置信地看着瑞秋）她说什么？

Phoebe

(speaking louder and articulating.) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears.) Listen! (Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way.)

（大声清晰地说）说她就像她梦寐以求的女儿。（指着自己的耳朵）听清楚没！（莫妮卡一脸“废话”地看着菲比）

Rachel

Hi.

嗨。

Ross

Hi.

嗨。

Rachel

I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet!

刚帮菲比收拾好，去见麦克父母了。她紧张得不行，好可爱！

Ross

Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.

你猜怎么着？我今天把艾玛逗笑了。

Rachel

(in disbelief.) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?

（难以置信）你说什么？我居然错过了？就因为我在给那个傻嬉皮士打扮？

Ross

Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate Emma's laugh, but it comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but then looks at Rachel, realises that it sounded weird and straightens his face.) Only... only not creepy.

是啊，那笑声……就像小婴儿正常的笑声。就是……嗯……（模仿艾玛的笑声，又尖又细。自己笑了笑，看向瑞秋，发现模仿得很奇怪，立刻收住表情）只是……没这么诡异。

Rachel

Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited.)

那……你怎么把她逗笑的？（兴奋地）

Ross

I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps.) well actually I rapped... Baby Got Back... (Rachel's face changes from excited to angry.)

我……嗯，我唱歌了……（瑞秋惊呼）其实是说唱……《靓妹的背影》……（瑞秋的表情从兴奋变愤怒）

Rachel

You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

你说什么？你居然给我们的宝贝女儿唱……一首男人迷恋大屁股女人的歌？

Ross

But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts or uhm... juicy doubles.

但你想想啊，这首歌其实倡导健康的……身材观念……毕竟……大屁股也好，丰满的胸部也罢，都很好。

Rachel

(disgusted.) owwwww...

（恶心地）呃……

Ross

Please don't take her away from me!

别把艾玛从我身边带走！

Catherine

Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.

嗨，快请进。我是凯瑟琳，这套房的中介。

Joey

Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.

嗨，我是乔伊，这是钱德勒。

Chandler

So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?

里查德怎么要卖房子？破产了？医疗事故？被自己的胡子呛到了？

Catherine

Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa....

其实他要换套更大的，能俯瞰中央公……

Chandler

(interupting.) Mmm That's enough about you!

（打断）好了，你的事不用多说了！

Joey

Is there anything we should know about the apartment?

这套房子有什么要注意的吗？

Catherine

All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler both realize what she's assuming and start laughing.)

家电全送，采光好，厨房全新……我觉得你们俩住这儿肯定很幸福……（乔伊和钱德勒反应过来她误会了，笑了起来）

Chandler

No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple.

不不不不不！我们不是情侣，绝对不是！

Catherine

Oh... Okay, sorry!

哦……抱歉！

Joey

Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?

你好像很嫌弃我？怎么，我配不上你？

Chandler

We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy? Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real man! (laughs.) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around.)

别再说这个了……看看这房子，我怎么这么怵他？装模作样的画，又大又浮夸的沙发。他整天就坐在这儿，哭着说莫妮卡被个真男人抢走了！（笑）他不会在这儿吧？（乔伊四处张望）

Joey

You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see, I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see... (Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants.) Yeah, I could see it.

其实吧，房子是不错，但我想象不出自己住这儿的样子。我试试……（坐在沙发上，假装开罐头，手伸进裤子里）嗯，我觉得可以。

Chandler

(Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection.) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!

（环顾四周，目光落在里查德的录像带上）看看这些录像，他以为自己是谁啊？《辣手神探夺命枪》《肮脏的哈里》《铁窗喋血》……天啊！

Joey

What?

怎么了？

Chandler

There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.

有盘带子上写着莫妮卡的名字。

Joey

Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... (realises.) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks around.) And this is Richard's apartment... (realises some more.)

哇！写着女生名字的带子，八成是情色录像……（反应过来）等等……写的是莫妮卡……（环顾四周）这里又是里查德的公寓……（恍然大悟）

Chandler

Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands....)

赶紧看！（乔伊倒吸一口气，彻底明白了）

Mike

Wow! You look like... like my mom.

哇！你穿得……像我妈妈。

Phoebe

I'm wearing pantyhose!

我穿连裤袜了！

Mike

Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks in and takes Phoebe's coat.)

真好看！快进来！（吻了吻她的脸颊，管家走进来接过菲比的外套）

Phoebe

Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!

谢谢！哦……天啊，你们好有钱！

Mike

No, my parents are rich.

不是我，是我父母有钱。

Phoebe

Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in.) HELLO!

反正……他们早晚都会去世的。（麦克的父母走进来）你们好呀！

Mike

Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.

爸妈，这是菲比。菲比，这是我父母，西奥多和比特西。

Phoebe

(in a very posh accent.) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!

（用优雅的口音）西奥多……比特西……幸会幸会！

Bitsy

It's so nice to finally meet you!

终于见到你了，真开心！

Phoebe

And you... Your home is lovely.

你们家真漂亮。

Bitsy

Well thank you, I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors.

谢谢，晚点带你参观，我们家有三层呢。

Phoebe

Holy crap!

我的天！

Bitsy

Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room and meet our friends?

菲比，来客厅见见我们的朋友吧。

Phoebe

Oh, try and stop me!

好呀，求之不得！

Mike

Hey... Wh... What are you doing?

你……你在干嘛？

Phoebe

(no accent.) I'm trying to get your parents to like me.

（换回正常口音）我想让你父母喜欢我。

Mike

Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent.) Phoebe...

他们肯定会的，但你不用刻意这样……我想让他们认识真实的菲比，不是装出来的菲比。

Phoebe

(accent.) Got it! It... It's hard to stop...

（优雅口音）知道了！就是……有点停不下来了。

Mike

Well, come on...

走吧……

Theodore

Phoebe, these are our friends, Tom and Sue Angle.

菲比，这是我们的朋友，汤姆和苏·安格尔。

Bitsy

Phoebe, come sit. Tell us a little bit about yourself... So where are you from?

菲比，坐吧。跟我们说说你自己……你是哪里人？

Phoebe

(no accent.) Uhm... Okay, well, all right, uhm... Originally I'm from upstate, but uhm... then my mom killed herself and my stepdad went to prison, so... I just moved to the city where uhm... I actually lived in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while... (frowns are received.) which was okay, that was okay, until uhm... I got hepatitis, you know, 'cause this pimp spit in my mouth and... but I... I got over it and uhm... anyway, now I'm uhm... a freelance massage therapist, uhm... which, you know, isn't always steady money but at least I don't pay taxes, huh... (everyone in the room finds it a bit surreal, which Phoebe realizes and starts to talk in the accent again.) So... where does everyone summer?

（正常口音）嗯……好吧，我原本住在北部，后来我妈妈自杀了，继父进了监狱，我就搬到了纽约，一开始还在一辆烧坏的别克车里住过一阵子……（众人面露难色）本来还好，直到我得了肝炎，因为有个皮条客朝我嘴里吐口水……不过我后来好了，现在是自由按摩师，收入不稳定，但至少不用交税，哈哈……（众人一脸震惊，菲比察觉到，又换回优雅口音）那……各位夏天都去哪度假呀？

Commercial Break

广告插播

Phoebe

God! God! This is not going well.

天啊！太糟糕了，一点都不顺利。

Mike

No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad?

没有没有，你做得挺好的，真的……要不你去跟我爸爸聊聊？

Phoebe

Okay, okay, okay, okay... Still sure about me being myself?

好，好，好……你确定我做自己就好？

Mike

Absolutely! Or maybe just a little less pimp spit.

当然！就是别提皮条客吐口水的事就行。

Phoebe

So Theodore... I uhm... I can see where Mike gets his good looks from...

西奥多……我知道麦克为什么这么帅了，原来是随你。

Theodore

Oh... Well...

哦……还好啦。

Phoebe

Yeah... And that physique! You must work out all the time...

而且身材这么好！你肯定经常健身吧。

Theodore

Oh no, not all the time... I do the best I can...

也不是一直练……尽力而为啦。

Phoebe

Yeah I bet! Look out! (Phoebe punches Theodore right in the stomach.)

肯定很厉害！小心！（一拳打在西奥多肚子上）

Theodore

OH! OWWWWW! (Theodore grabs his stomach in agony.)

哦！疼死我了！（捂着肚子，痛苦不堪）

Phoebe

Oh my God, are you okay?

天啊，你没事吧？

Theodore

I recently had surgery.

我刚做完手术。

Phoebe

I'm so sorry!

太抱歉了！

Theodore

No, I'll be fine... I just should check the stitches...

没事，我还好……就是得看看伤口缝线。

Phoebe

I really, really am sorry.

我真的特别抱歉。

Theodore

How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? (Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe.)

你又不知道，没事的，谁会无缘无故打我肚子呢。（西奥多离开，麦克走向菲比）

Mike

Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?

你……刚才打我爸爸了？

Phoebe

Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...

嗯……对不起，我从没见过男友的父母……

Mike

But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom?

可你……总见过普通人吧？算了，你去跟我妈妈聊聊吧。

Phoebe

Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her.

好，你妈妈……她看着人挺好的，我能聊。

Mike

Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)

去吧，我去看看我爸有没有内出血。（麦克离开，比特西朝菲比走来）

Phoebe

Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.

比特西，嗨。谢谢你今晚邀请我来。

Bitsy

Well, not at all...

不客气。

Phoebe

Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.

还有，我想告诉你，你儿子真的特别优秀。

Bitsy

Thank you, I think so too.

谢谢，我也这么觉得。

Phoebe

Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of women.

这都是你们教育得好，尤其是你。他特别尊重女性。

Bitsy

Is he really?

是吗？

Phoebe

Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.

可不是嘛，他特别体贴我。而且……你肯定也想知道，他在床上特别温柔。

Bitsy

E-e-excuse me?

你……你说什么？

Phoebe

(Mike now enters and stands behind Phoebe.) Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...

（麦克走进来，站在菲比身后）别误会，他不是那种娘炮。真的，他厉害起来，能把床头板晃得直响，像个放飞自我的水手……

Bitsy

That's... my boy. (Bitsy walks away.)

这……才是我儿子。（比特西离开）

Mike

Awesome!

太棒了！

Chandler

I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching? (sighs.) Well, we know I'm gonna watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters the apartment.)

我不看……我没必要看……看了能有什么好处？（叹气）算了，我肯定还是会看的。（准备把带子放进录像机，乔伊走进来）

Joey

Hey dude, what's up?

嘿，干嘛呢？

Chandler

Don't judge me, I'm only human!

别笑话我，我也是普通人！

Joey

Did you take that tape?

你拿了那盘带子？

Chandler

I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?

我不得不拿！你想想，你结婚了，在别的男人公寓里发现一盘你老婆的录像带，你难道不想知道里面是什么？

Joey

I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?

不知道，我娶谁了？

Chandler

Some girl...!?

随便一个女孩！

Joey

She hot?

好看吗？

Chandler

Yeah...!?

好看！

Joey

How did she get me to settle down?

她怎么让我收心的？

Chandler

All right, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously.) Can it?

行了，我要放了……说不定不是我想的那样，就算是，也没我脑补的那么糟糕……（紧张地笑）对吧？

Joey

Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...

不好说。以我的经验，女孩愿意被拍录像，那别的事基本也不会拒绝。

Chandler

Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.

那你帮我看。

Joey

(backs off.) What? Whoo... What?

（后退）什么？别啊……

Chandler

Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?

就看几秒，让我知道是什么就行，求你了。

Joey

All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the tape in the VCR, switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly an American football match, with the referee's whistle blowing, the crowds cheering....)

行吧……但要是我看得开心了，可别怪我。（钱德勒背对电视，乔伊把带子放进录像机，打开电视……画面里是美式橄榄球比赛，裁判哨声响起，观众欢呼）

Chandler

Why am I hearing cheering?

怎么有欢呼声？

Joey

Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game.

没事，就是……橄榄球比赛。

Chandler

Football? Just football?

橄榄球？就只是橄榄球？

Joey

Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.

是啊，你白担心了。

Chandler

It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the crowd... Joey's eyes double in size....) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps, and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door....) What are you doing?

橄榄球……就只是橄榄球……太好了！我第一次觉得橄榄球有意思……按惯例该喝杯啤酒……（走向冰箱，背对电视，欢呼声变成了暧昧的呻吟声……乔伊眼睛瞪得大大的）什么……（钱德勒转身，乔伊立刻扑过去，把他按倒在门口）你干嘛？

Joey

You don't wanna see what I just saw! (at this moment Monica comes home, and sees Chandler flat on his back on the floor and Joey pinning him down.)

你绝对不想看到我刚看到的！（这时莫妮卡回家，看到钱德勒被乔伊按在地上）

Monica

What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from the TV and looks at it.) Oh my God, is that Richard? (It only takes a split second for Joey to realize, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and she falls, face down next to Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quickly covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)

你们干嘛呢？（听到电视里的呻吟声，看向电视）天啊，那是里查德吗？（乔伊瞬间反应过来，拉住莫妮卡的外套，把她拽倒，脸朝下摔在钱德勒旁边。钱德勒刚起身，乔伊立刻捂住他的眼睛）

Rachel

Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking her tongue out, making a farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response from Emma....) Not funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap... (Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say / that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... All right sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face like, "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... " and she starts to rap.) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh.) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! (Rachel now really gets into it, and her insecure movements start getting better.) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up Emma and Ross now enters.)

来……啊……给妈妈笑一个好不好？求你了……（做鬼脸、吐舌头、学放屁声、手比成鹿角晃来晃去，艾玛毫无反应）不好笑吗？难道……只有低俗的说唱才行？还是说只要是说唱就行？妈妈也会说唱哦……（笨拙地尝试说唱，动作怪异）我是妈妈，我想说 / 所有宝宝都……哎，我不会说唱……好吧宝贝，我这么做都是因为太爱你了，而且我知道你不会告诉别人的……（一脸无奈，开始说唱）我喜欢大屁屁，我绝不撒谎 / 其他的哥们儿，你们也别否认 / 当姑娘走来，腰肢纤细 / 圆润翘臀映入眼帘……（艾玛笑了）对！对！太棒了！哦！（瑞秋越唱越投入，动作也自然了）我喜欢大屁屁，我绝不撒谎 / 其他的哥们儿，你们也别否认……艾玛你笑了！你真的喜欢大屁屁，对不对？你这个可爱的小调皮鬼……（抱起艾玛，罗斯走进来）

Ross

Hey!

嘿！

Rachel

Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound that...

你错过了，她刚才笑了！太可爱了，那声音简直是世界上最美妙的……

Ross

Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?

我知道，对吧！你怎么把她逗笑的？

Rachel

Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider...

我就试了几种方法，唱了首《小小蜘蛛》而已。

Ross

You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?

你肯定唱《靓妹的背影》了，对吧？

Rachel

Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...

别的都不管用，这孩子就吃这一套……

Phoebe

...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.

……然后重复副歌部分……臭臭猫，臭臭猫 / 这不是你的错。歌就唱完了……我知道你们没让我唱，但已经十七分钟没人说话了。

Mike

Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?

菲比写了很多好听的歌。你那天晚上唱的那首，大家都喜欢的，叫什么来着？

Phoebe

Oh, Pervert Parade?

哦，《变态游行》？

Mike

(sighs.) No...

（叹气）不是……

Phoebe

Oh, Ode To A Pubic Hair?

哦，《阴毛颂歌》？

Mike

Stop! (The butler serves dinner.)

别唱了！（管家上菜）

Phoebe

Oh God! Is that veal?

天啊！这是小牛肉吗？

Mike

Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.

妈，我跟你说过，菲比是素食者。

Bitsy

Oh!

哦！

Phoebe

Oh no, no, no, no... That's okay, that's okay... I mean, I'm... I am a vegetarian... except for veal... Yeah no, veal I love...

没事没事……我是素食者，但小牛肉除外，我超爱吃小牛肉。

Mike

Phoebe you don't have to eat...

菲比，你不用勉强吃……

Phoebe

No, no, no, I actually it's any baby animals: kittens, fish babies... You know... especially veal... and this, this nice vein of fat running through it... (she cuts the meat, picks it up with her fork and holds it in front of her mouth, which she keeps closed, trying to overcome her vegetarian thoughts... and... puts it in her mouth... Clearly not enjoying the meat....) Hmmm... yummy (everybody seems okay with it, except Mike. He's making a hmmmm.... face... Then Phoebe swallows it.) Hmmm... (at first she likes it, but then, in an instant puts her hand in front of her mouth and runs from the table. You hear a door slamming.)

没事，我什么小动物都吃，小猫、小鱼……尤其是小牛肉，你看，这肉里还有漂亮的油花……（切下一块肉，叉起来放到嘴边，紧闭嘴巴，努力克服素食本能，最终放进嘴里，明显吃得很勉强）嗯……好吃。（众人没说什么，只有麦克一脸纠结。菲比咽下肉）嗯……（一开始觉得还行，突然捂住嘴，跑出餐厅，传来关门声）

Mike

So...? What do you think? (looks at his parents, who look disgusted.)

她……怎么样？（看向一脸嫌弃的父母）

Monica

So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment?

你们居然从里查德公寓偷这盘带子？

Chandler

Whoho ho... Listen to the judgment from the porn star!

哟，拍过色情录像的人还好意思说我？

Monica

That tape was never meant to be seen by... (pauses.) Joey I would feel more comfortable if I was having this conversation in private.

那带子本来就不是给别人看的……（停顿）乔伊，我想跟他单独聊。

Joey

(laughs.) Monica, look... I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore... (Monica keeps looking at Joey.) Not ready to joke about it yet, okay, I see you later. (Joey walks out.)

（笑）莫妮卡，咱俩之间还有秘密吗？（莫妮卡盯着他）行，不笑了，我先走了。（乔伊离开）

Monica

Why in the world would you take this tape and and why would you watch it?

你为什么要拿这盘带子，还要看？

Chandler

Because that's who I am, okay? I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape like that and it wouldn't bother him. Just'd be another saucy anecdote for him to share at his men's club over brandy and moustaches.

我就是这样的人，行吗？里查德那种成熟男人看这种带子肯定无所谓，顶多当成趣事，跟朋友边喝白兰地边聊。

Monica

Is all this about you not being able to grow a moustache?

你就是嫉妒自己留不出胡子吧？

Chandler

This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you. He keeps a tape so he can... look at it whenever he wants.

这是你和里查德的事！他明显还忘不了你，留着带子随时看。

Monica

Isn't that sad? I mean, can you see how pathetic that is? You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.

多可怜啊，你不觉得吗？你不该吃醋，该同情他才对。

Chandler

Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Y'... I can grow a moustache!

行，可怜的里查德。我也能留胡子！

Monica

Chandler, this is not our problem. We've got each other. That's all that matters.

钱德勒，这跟我们没关系，我们在一起就够了。

Chandler

Yeah, oh, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him with your cowboy boots in the air...

可我总忍不住想象你跟他在一起，牛仔靴翘到天上的样子……

Monica

Cowboy boots? I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life! (she turns on the video again.)

牛仔靴？我这辈子从没穿过！（重新打开录像）

Chandler

Oh, good, good. Play more, 'cause I wanna see how it ends.

好，接着放，我想看看结局。

Monica

THAT'S NOT ME!

那不是我！

Chandler

What...? That's not you! Life is good again! Ride 'em cowgirl!

什么？不是你！太好了！加油，女牛仔！

Monica

That bastard taped over me! (Chandler's expression changes.)

那个混蛋把我的画面覆盖了！（钱德勒脸色变了）

Chandler

Is that a problem?

这有什么关系吗？

Monica

I-It's just so insulting! Big spring for a new blank tape, Doctor!

太过分了！买盘新空白带子很难吗，医生！

Theodore

I can't imagine what he sees in her.

真不知道麦克看上她什么了。

Bitsy

She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. (Mike walks in.) Oh, hello dear...

跟她比，我都觉得麦克那个嗑药的前妻好了。（麦克走进来）哦，亲爱的……

Mike

Hey, what's going on?

怎么了？

Bitsy

We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend?

随便聊聊。你朋友还好吗？

Mike

A little better.

好多了。

Bitsy

By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen.

对了，汤姆和苏的女儿珍要回城里了。

Theodore

You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well-behaved and... single.

你记得她吧，人漂亮、乖巧，还单身。

Mike

I'm not interested.

我没兴趣。

Bitsy

Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailor fun you want with that one, but... let's be real...

亲爱的，说实话吧。你跟她就是玩玩，最后还是要找个正经的。

Mike

All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...

够了！菲比今晚一直努力想让你们喜欢她，虽然方式有点奇怪，但她尽力了。她跟你们是有点不一样……

Bitsy

Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! (Phoebe almost enters the room, but she hears the discussion and waits and eavesdrops next to the door-opening.)

可她居然被皮条客吐过口水！（菲比正要进来，听到这话，在门口偷听）

Mike

So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...

那又怎样？我都不在意，你们有什么好介意的。你们不用喜欢她，只要接受我爱她就行。如果你们连我爱的人都不能礼貌对待……

Bitsy

The woman you what? (Phoebe overheard what Michael said and now enters the room.)

你爱的什么？（菲比听到这话，走进来）

Phoebe

Yeah... The woman you what?

对，你爱的什么？

Mike

The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe.) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...

我爱的女人……（走向菲比）我爱你……这话第一次说，居然是在我爸妈……还有汤姆和苏面前，他们简直是我见过最无聊的人……

Phoebe

I love you too...

我也爱你……

Mike

You do?

真的？

Phoebe

YEAH...! How great is this...? (they kiss.)

当然！太幸福了……（两人接吻）

Mike

Wanna get out of here?

想离开这儿吗？

Phoebe

Okay.

好。

Mike

Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.

爸妈，谢谢招待。

Phoebe

I had a great time. (accent.) It was really top drawer. And here's something rich: thirteen bathrooms in this place... I threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa...

我今晚过得超开心。（优雅口音）这里真高级。还有个好玩的事，你们家有13个卫生间，我却吐在了衣帽间……拜拜～

Commercial Break

广告插播

Ross

She sweat, wet, got it going like a turbo 'vette.

她性感迷人，身姿曼妙如跑车。

Rachel

So fellas

哥们儿

Ross

Yeah!

没错！

Rachel

fellas

哥们儿

Ross

Yeah!

没错！

Rachel

Has your girlfriend got the butt?

你的女友有翘臀吗？

Ross

Hell yeah!

当然有！

Rachel

So shake it! (Rachel slaps Ross's butt on the beat.)

那就摇起来！（跟着节奏拍罗斯的屁股）

Ross

Shake it!

摇起来！

Rachel

Shake it! (Phoebe, Mike, Chandler, Monica and Joey step in.)

摇起来！（菲比、麦克、钱德勒、莫妮卡和乔伊走进来）

Ross

Shake it!

摇起来！

Rachel

Shake that nasty butt...

摇起性感小翘臀……

Ross

Baby got back (Then Ross turns around and sees their friends standing in the doorway.)

靓妞的翘臀（罗斯转身，看到朋友们站在门口）

Rachel

One more time from the top... I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other br... (She also turns and sees the gang.)

从头再来一遍……我喜欢大屁屁，我绝不撒谎，其他哥……（也转身看到众人）

Ross

Rachel please! That is so inappropriate!

瑞秋别唱了！太不合适了！

END

剧终