The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies

Chandler

Hey.

嘿。

Monica

So how was Joan?

琼安好不好？

Chandler

I broke up with her.

跟她分手了。

Chandler

They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

别告诉我因为鼻孔太大？真的超大。她打喷嚏时会有蝙蝠飞出来。

Rachel

Come on, they were not that huge.

没那么大。

Chandler

I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

当她仰起头时我可以看到她的脑子。

Monica

How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

你到底要拒绝多少好女孩，只是因为非常肤浅的事情？

Joey

Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

慢着，我必须帮钱德说话。我刚搬到这里时与一个女孩交往，非常热情，很会接吻，但是她的喉结非常大粒！真是让我受不了。

Chandler

You or me?

真是让我受不了。

Ross

I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

乔伊，女人没有喉结。

Joey

You guys are messin' with me, right?

你们是在骗我，对不对？

All

Yeah.

对，我们在骗你！

Joey

That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

我差点上当了。

Phoebe

You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

你与哪个女友分手是因为正当的理由？

Chandler

Maureen Rosilla.

莫琳·罗西洛。

Ross

Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

因为她不讨厌音乐家雅尼，这不是个正当的理由。

(knock)

（敲门声。）

Monica

Hello, Mr. Heckles.

嗨，哈克先生。

Mr. Heckles

You're doing it again.

你们又来了。

Monica

We're not doing anything.

我们什么都没做。

Mr. Heckles

You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

你们脚步声太响，吓到了我的鸟儿。

Rachel

You don't have birds.

你没有养鸟。

Mr. Heckles

I could have birds.

我可以养鸟。

Monica

Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

我们会小声一点。

Mr. Heckles

Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

谢谢。我要回去继续宴客了。

Rachel

All right, bye-bye.

好，再见。

Chandler

Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.

对了，珍妮丝。珍妮丝可以证明我并没有乱挑剔。

Ross

We'll give you Janice.

我们同意你与珍妮丝分手。

Phoebe

I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."

但我蛮想珍尼丝的。嗨，钱德宝！

Rachel

"Oh, my, god."

喔，我的天！

Joey

"Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"

喔，钱德。现在就要。对了！对了！快一点！

Monica

Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

别用扫把了！我们没有制造噪音。

Rachel

We won. We won!

我们赢了！

Monica

Mr. Heckles.

哈克先生。

Rachel

How did this happen?

他们发现他抓着一把扫把。

Mr. Treeger

He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.

我知道。

Monica

That's terrible.

昨天我也在扫地。

Mr. Treeger

I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.

搞不好也会一命呜呼。

Ross

Sure, sweepin'. You never know.

扫地，真是天有不测风云。

Mr. Treeger

You never know.

世事难料。

Phoebe

Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

很微弱，但我还可以感觉他在大楼里。进入光芒中，哈克先生！

Chandler

Ok, Phoebe.

好了，菲此。

Phoebe

I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

对不起，有时候他们需要帮助。很好，嘲笑我吧。我不相信很多事情，但这不表示就不是真的。

Joey

Such as?

譬如什么事？

Phoebe

Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

像是玉米田图案或百慕达三角或演化论。

Ross

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?

你不相信进化论？

Phoebe

Nah. Not really.

不真的相信。

Ross

You don't believe in evolution?

你不相信进化论？

Phoebe

I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.

我不知道，只是……猴子，达尔文，很好的故事，我只是觉得有点太简单。

Ross

Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?

太简单？太……这个星球上的一切生物经过数千万年，从单细胞微生物进化而成，而你说太简单？

Phoebe

Yeah, I just don't buy it.

对，我不太相信。

Ross

Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

对不起，进化论不是信不信由你，菲此。进化论是科学事实，就像我们呼吸的空气，就像地心引力。

Phoebe

Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

别跟我提起地心引力。

Ross

You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

你不相信地心引力？

Phoebe

Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

倒不是相不相信的问题，只是……最近我感觉到，我不是被吸住，而是被压着。

(knock)

（敲门声。）

Chandler

Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

那是牛顿，他非常火大。

Mr. Treeger

There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.

她在那边，那里还有另一个。这是巴迪·博伊尔先生，哈克先生的律师。他想跟你们谈谈。

Monica

What can we do for you?

有何贵干？

Mr. Boyle

All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".

根据我客户的遗嘱，他要把他所有财产都留给楼上吵闹的女孩们。

Monica

Well, what about his family?

他的家人呢？

Mr. Boyle

He didn't have any.

他没有家人。

Rachel

Ok, so let's talk money.

好，让我们看看有多少钱。

Mr. Boyle

All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.

好，没有半毛钱。现在，我们来签字。你是一号吵闹女孩，你是二号吵闹女孩。

Monica

I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

我真不相信我们一直以为他讨厌我们。真是不可思议，我们能如此感动别人，而自己却不知道？看看这个猪窝？！他痛恨我们！这是他最终的报复！

Rachel

Have you ever seen so much crap?

我从来没看过这么多废物。

Chandler

Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.

我觉得这间公寓侮辱了废物的美名。

Joey

Check this out. Can I have this?

看看这个。这个能给我吗？

Ross

How can you not believe in evolution?

你怎么能不相信进化论？

Phoebe

Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!

就是不相信。看看这条怪衬衫！

Ross

Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

菲此，我整个成年都在研究进化论。我们从世界各地搜集化石，能够证明不同物种的进化论。可以真正看到它们透过时间进化。

Phoebe

Really? You can actually see it?

真的？可以看得到？

Ross

You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

千真万确！在美国、中国、非洲，全世界。

Phoebe

See, I didn't know that.

这我不知道。

Ross

Well, there you go.

这就是吧。

Phoebe

Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

所以真的问题是，谁把化石放在那里？为什么？

Chandler

Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

我的痛苦之书。

Joey

Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.

嘿，这是我！四月十七日，噪音过度。义大利佬带了女伴回家。你也在里面。

Chandler

April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.

四月十八日，噪音过度。义大利佬的同性恋室友带了干洗衣服回家。真是太好了。

Rachel

Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

看看这盏灯，真是够俗了，我们一定要带回去。

Monica

Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.

我们的好台灯够多了。

Rachel

What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.

什么？好啦，我又不是要这个美女时钟或什么的，但我觉得这个也很酷。

Monica

It doesn't go with any of my stuff.

它与我的东西都不搭配。

Rachel

Well, what about my stuff?

那么我的东西呢？

Monica

You don't have any stuff.

你没有任何东西。

Rachel

You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

你还是认为那是你的公寓，对不对？

Monica

No.

不是。

Rachel

Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

对，你是这么想。你把它想成是你的公寓，我只是租了个房间。

Monica

Mmmmm.

嗯。

Rachel

Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

好吧，你支支吾吾的时候，我会为我的新台灯找个地方放。

Ross

Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

菲此，看我玩这些小玩具。可对立的拇指！没有进化论，怎么发展出可对立的拇指？

Phoebe

Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

也许外星主宰需要拇指才能够驾驶飞碟。

Ross

Please tell me you're joking.

请说你是在开玩笑。

Phoebe

Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.

能不能说你相信进化论，而我不相信？

Ross

No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--

不行，菲此，不能这样，为什么不行？

Phoebe

What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

为什么非得每个人都同意你？这是怎么回事？你知道我怎么想吗？我想你也许应该好好检视一下罗斯这个生物了。

Ross

Is there blood coming out of my ears?

我耳朵有没有流血？

Joey

Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.

看看这个，哈克的高中同学录。

Chandler

Wow, he looks so normal.

他看起来好正常。

Phoebe

He's even kind of cute.

甚至有点可爱。

Joey

"Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school."

“哈克，你上科学课总是让我捧腹大笑。你是全校最有趣的学生。”

Chandler

Funniest? Heckles?

最有趣？哈克？

Joey

That's what it says.

上面是这样写的。

Chandler

Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?

哈克被选为班上的活宝，我也是。他说得对！听听那个噪音？

Phoebe

I'd call that excessive.

的确是很吵闹。

Chandler

Whoa!

什么？

Joey

What?

怎么了？

Chandler

Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

哈克在乐队演奏竖笛，我也是。他参加模型俱乐部，我也……虽然我的学校没有俱乐部，但我觉得模型很酷。

Joey

So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

所以你们两个都是书呆子，没什么值得大惊小怪的。

Chandler

I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?

我觉得很怪，哈克与我……喂，别吵好不好。

Joey

Have you been here all night?

你整晚都在这里？

Chandler

Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.

“薇安，太高大”；“玛姬，牙龈太多”；“太聪明”，“吃东西发出声音”。这就是我。这就是我的作法。我会像他一样孤独终老。

Joey

Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

钱德，哈克是个神经病。

Chandler

Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

我们的人生道路方向一样。我比他晚了30年，但停靠站都一样：愁苦城、孤独镇、隐士村。

Joey

All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.

我们应该离开这里，我请你吃早餐。

Chandler

What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?

要是我一直找不到伴侣？或更糟的，我已经找到了，但我却因为她说“厚许”就甩了她？

Joey

Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.

钱德，好啦，你会找到对象的。

Chandler

How do you know that? How?

你怎么知道？

Joey

I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.

我不知道，我只是想帮你下台。

Chandler

You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

你们将来都会结婚，我会孤独一人。你能不能答应我一件事？你结婚后，过节时能不能请我去玩？

Joey

Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?

我不知道我们会怎么样，要是我与妻子到我岳父母那里过节呢？

Chandler

Yeah, I understand.

我了解。

Joey

You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

你可以过来看超级杯，每一年都来，怎么样？

Chandler

You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.

我不要像这样子下场。待会见，兄弟。

Joey

Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

他们去动物园了吗？他们去动物园了吗？他们去动物园了吗？

Chandler

(on phone) Hi, it's me.

（打电话）嗨，是我。

Janice

Oh, my, god.

我的天。

Phoebe

Janice? You called Janice?

珍妮丝？你打给珍妮丝？

Chandler

Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

是的，珍妮丝。有什么难懂的？

Ross

You remember Janice, right?

你还记得珍妮丝吧？

Chandler

Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

是啊，她很聪明，很漂亮而且很关心我。珍妮丝是我的最后一个希望。

Janice

Helloo!!

哈啰！

Chandler

Oh, my, god!

我的天！

Joey

Geez, look how fat she got.

她真是胖了不少。

Janice

Hey, it's everybody.

嗨，大家都在这里。

Chandler

Janice, you're--

珍妮丝，你……

Janice

Yes, I am.

是的，我有了。

Chandler

Is it--?

是不是你……

Janice

Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.

是不是你的？没那么好的事，钱德宝！我已经是少奶奶了。

Chandler

Congratulations.

恭喜。

Janice

Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

甜心，真抱歉。

Chandler

You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?

你不能在电话上告诉我吗？

Janice

And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.

要我错过看到你的表情？才不要！珍妮丝喜欢乐子！

Monica

Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?

你知道我们很久没玩什么吗？

Rachel

What?

什么？

Monica

Hide the Lamp.

藏起台灯。

Rachel

Monica, let it go.

摩妮卡，算了吧。

Monica

Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

你知道我对贝类过敏吗？

Rachel

Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

那么你必须吃其他的台灯。

Phoebe

Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

可怕科学家来了。

Ross

Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

菲此，这些就是了。在这个手提箱中我带来了真正的科学证据，可算是整个提箱的证据。其中有些化石超过2亿年老。

Phoebe

Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.

我要先告诉你，我并不否定进化论，进化论只是可能性之一。

Ross

It's the only possibility, Phoebe.

进化论是唯一的可能，菲此。

Phoebe

Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

罗斯，你能不能稍稍敞开心胸？以前最聪明的人不也相信地球是平的？五十年前，科学家认为原子是最微小的事物，后来科学家击碎了原子，于是产生了各种玩意……难道你是如此自大，无法承认有一点点的可能，你们科学家也许会犯错？

Ross

There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.

是有一点点……

Phoebe

I can't believe you caved.

我真不相信你屈服了。

Ross

What?

什么？

Phoebe

You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?

你放弃了你的整个信仰！以前我虽然不同意你，但至少尊重你。明天你要怎么继续研究？你要如何面对其他科学家？你要如何面对你自己？真好玩，有谁饿了？

Rachel

I am. Let me just get my coat.

我饿了。

Monica

Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

这是意外，我发誓。我正在穿外套，台灯就破了。

Rachel

Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?

拜托，摩妮卡！你痛恨我的台灯，突然间它就奇迹似地破了？

Monica

Phoebe, tell her!

菲此，告诉她！

Phoebe

Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

我没看到，因为我正在穿外套，但我想要相信你。

Rachel

Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

嗨，钱德。摩妮卡打破了我的贝壳台灯。

Chandler

Neat. I'm gonna die alone.

真好。我会死得孤苦伶仃。

Rachel

Ok, you win.

好，算你赢。

Monica

Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.

钱德，你不会死得孤苦伶仃。

Chandler

Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

本来珍妮丝是我的安全保障，现在我必须去养一条蛇了。

Phoebe

Uh huh. Why is that?

为什么？

Chandler

If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

“养蛇疯子要来抓人了！”

Monica

You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.

你必须想开一点。你不会孤苦伶仃。

Chandler

Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

我当然会。我甩掉了所有笨得愿意跟我交往的女孩，然后我抱怨找不到好女孩。

Rachel

Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

我们所交往的男人，就跟你所描述的一样。

Monica

You are not a freak. You're a guy.

你没什么问题，你只是个平常人。

Rachel

She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.

她说得对。你与其他人没什么不同。

Monica

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

等一下，等一下，他是不一样。你其实很不一样。

Chandler

In a bad way?

很糟糕吗？

Monica

No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

不，甜心，是很好的不一样。现在你知道你要什么了。大多数男人根本不知道。你准备好接受风险了，准备好接受伤害，与人亲近。

Rachel

Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.

你不会孤苦伶仃的。

Phoebe

Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

你打电话给珍妮丝，这证明你希望与人厮守终生！

Monica

You made it!

你准备好了！

Phoebe

You're there!

你准备好做出承诺了！

Rachel

You are ready to make a commitment!

你准备好做出承诺了！

Chandler

Whoa! Don't know about that.

但是自己却不知道。

Rachel

What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?

你拿了什么？不是你的东西而你想要打破？

Monica

No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.

不是。我知道你喜欢这个，我也要你收下它，在我们公寓会很好看。

Rachel

Thank you.

谢谢。

Monica

That's fine.

没关系。

Chandler

Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.

你们会很高兴知道明天晚上我有约会。我的同事爱莉森，人很不错。她又漂亮又聪明。我以前一直没有约她，因为她有一个不寻常的大头。但我再也不会被这种小事绊住了。看看我，我成熟了。

Joey

Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

同学录有没有回收？

Chandler

I'll take that.

那个给我。

Joey

You want his yearbook?

你要他的同学录？

Chandler

Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

有人说了他的好话，应该留下来。

Monica

Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.

这真的很奇怪。他整个生命都在这公寓度过，现在人去楼空。我想我们应该为哈克先生默哀一会儿。他是个麻烦人物，但他是个人。你们全都会下地狱。

Rachel

It's really not that big!

其实没有那么大！

Chandler

Takin' that with you, huh?

你要拿那个走吧？

Joey

Oh, yeah.

没错。

Ross

You comin'?

你来吗？

Chandler

Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.

等一下。再见，哈克先生。我们会安静点。

Alison

Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?

我完全学非所用。报纸上什么时候看得到“征求哲学家”？

Chandler

Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)

笑容很美，衣着高雅……大头，大头，还是大头！）

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